My heartfelt thanks to each of you who left a comment on my last post for your support and compassion.
I'm feeling broken and a little empty. I'm doing my best to get back into a normal routine, but I don't feel like my normal self. I lack focus and I feel like my mind isn't my own. I know all of this will get better eventually and I just have to go through the grieving process - whatever that entails.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
forgive me for sounding scattered
my mother said he had been complaining of pain last night
they both have a cold or flu
so when he complained of body aches, they both figured it was just the flu
he complained of difficulty breathing through the night...
but, again, they thought he was just congested from the flu
he got progressively worse in the early morning and he finally agreed that she call an ambulance
she did...
when she went back to him, his mouth was open, some coloured saliva (she's not sure if his saliva was tainted with some blood or if it was from some cough syrup he had taken) was oozing out the corner of his mouth, his eyes had rolled back, and he stopped breathing
paramedics came, took over, took him to the hospital
this hospital, The Cardiology Institute of Montreal, is fantastic. the doctors and nurses are wonderful, caring, competent, and compassionate
really, i can't say a single bad thing about them and it makes me feel better to know that he's in good hands...
Through all of this, I was asleep.
I woke shortly after 6:00am, went back to sleep, and woke again at about 7:30am. I was lazy about getting out of bed because I had nothing pressing planned. J and I were going to go out for breakfast and then a hike on Mount-Royal with our dog…
my sister-in-law called this morning between 8:30 and 9:00...
she said my mother was at the Cardiology Institute with my father...
that he had stopped breathing earlier this morning and that the paramedics took him to the hospital after they resuscitated him and that he wasn't breathing on his own...
the room began to spin. I cried and then hurried to get ready.
i went to the hospital...
my mother and another sister-in-law were sitting in a waiting room...
they said the doctor had come to talk to them...
his main artery was blocked up...
his lungs were in bad condition...
and they asked if he had any kidney problems (none, to our knowledge)...
he had a heart attack and was STILL in the middle of the heart attack...
and his chances for survival were 50/50
they took him to the operating room for more testing and to see if they could unblock his artery with that balloon thingy
i'm sorry, i don't remember any of the terminology
my mind feels like mush
if that wasn't possible, then surgery was a possibility... although we weren't yet sure if he was a good candidate for surgery
he had remained unconscious since he stopped breathing at home earlier
anyway, the doctor came to see us minutes after we saw him being taken back to his room (still hooked up to so many tubes and machines)...
he said there is one (minor) artery that is VERY blocked and it has been blocked for many years... they can't do anything about that...
the main artery was also blocked up and they were successful in opening it up with the balloon thingy
and that was wonderful news
the lungs have lots of fluid in them, but they are giving him medication to clear that out...
and that will enable them to see if his kidneys are functioning ok
the big question now is whether or not he sustained any brain damage
we won't know that until they allow him to wake
they are keeping him asleep so he can rest and have his heart recover a little for 24 to 48 hours
he is in intensive care unit
after they finished setting him up in his room with all the machinery and stuff, we were allowed to see him
i can't tell you how heartbreaking it is to see him like that
his breathing is being assisted, but it seems like it is laboured breathing
blood pressure was low, but they said that was normal after the procedure
his heart rate was below 30
i placed my hand on his arm...
he was so cold... he was so cold
he's only 74 years old, but he looks about 90
the doctor said he isn't out of the woods yet, but they're happy with the way the procedure went
now he needs some time to rest and recover and then they'll be able to see what needs to be done next
doctor said he'll be in ICU for at least 2 or 3 days
i'm very worried
they both have a cold or flu
so when he complained of body aches, they both figured it was just the flu
he complained of difficulty breathing through the night...
but, again, they thought he was just congested from the flu
he got progressively worse in the early morning and he finally agreed that she call an ambulance
she did...
when she went back to him, his mouth was open, some coloured saliva (she's not sure if his saliva was tainted with some blood or if it was from some cough syrup he had taken) was oozing out the corner of his mouth, his eyes had rolled back, and he stopped breathing
paramedics came, took over, took him to the hospital
this hospital, The Cardiology Institute of Montreal, is fantastic. the doctors and nurses are wonderful, caring, competent, and compassionate
really, i can't say a single bad thing about them and it makes me feel better to know that he's in good hands...
Through all of this, I was asleep.
I woke shortly after 6:00am, went back to sleep, and woke again at about 7:30am. I was lazy about getting out of bed because I had nothing pressing planned. J and I were going to go out for breakfast and then a hike on Mount-Royal with our dog…
my sister-in-law called this morning between 8:30 and 9:00...
she said my mother was at the Cardiology Institute with my father...
that he had stopped breathing earlier this morning and that the paramedics took him to the hospital after they resuscitated him and that he wasn't breathing on his own...
the room began to spin. I cried and then hurried to get ready.
i went to the hospital...
my mother and another sister-in-law were sitting in a waiting room...
they said the doctor had come to talk to them...
his main artery was blocked up...
his lungs were in bad condition...
and they asked if he had any kidney problems (none, to our knowledge)...
he had a heart attack and was STILL in the middle of the heart attack...
and his chances for survival were 50/50
they took him to the operating room for more testing and to see if they could unblock his artery with that balloon thingy
i'm sorry, i don't remember any of the terminology
my mind feels like mush
if that wasn't possible, then surgery was a possibility... although we weren't yet sure if he was a good candidate for surgery
he had remained unconscious since he stopped breathing at home earlier
anyway, the doctor came to see us minutes after we saw him being taken back to his room (still hooked up to so many tubes and machines)...
he said there is one (minor) artery that is VERY blocked and it has been blocked for many years... they can't do anything about that...
the main artery was also blocked up and they were successful in opening it up with the balloon thingy
and that was wonderful news
the lungs have lots of fluid in them, but they are giving him medication to clear that out...
and that will enable them to see if his kidneys are functioning ok
the big question now is whether or not he sustained any brain damage
we won't know that until they allow him to wake
they are keeping him asleep so he can rest and have his heart recover a little for 24 to 48 hours
he is in intensive care unit
after they finished setting him up in his room with all the machinery and stuff, we were allowed to see him
i can't tell you how heartbreaking it is to see him like that
his breathing is being assisted, but it seems like it is laboured breathing
blood pressure was low, but they said that was normal after the procedure
his heart rate was below 30
i placed my hand on his arm...
he was so cold... he was so cold
he's only 74 years old, but he looks about 90
the doctor said he isn't out of the woods yet, but they're happy with the way the procedure went
now he needs some time to rest and recover and then they'll be able to see what needs to be done next
doctor said he'll be in ICU for at least 2 or 3 days
i'm very worried
Thursday, February 21, 2008
sometimes
Sometimes I tire of being the strong one.
Sometimes I tire of being the one to take care of everything.
Sometimes I tire of being the one to hold everything together.
Sometimes I tire of holding in my emotions and feelings.
Sometimes I tire of keeping my “chin up” or a “stiff upper lip”.
Sometimes I tire of being the nurturing one.
Sometimes I need to be allowed to be tired.
Sometimes I need to be allowed to feel weak.
Sometimes I need to be allowed to feel defeated.
Sometimes I need to be able to not feel like I have to hide my tears.
Sometimes I need to be held by strong arms.
Sometimes I need to find safety in strong arms.
Sometimes I need.
Sometimes I feel like I have nothing left to give...
until someone gives me something back.
Sometimes I tire of being the one to take care of everything.
Sometimes I tire of being the one to hold everything together.
Sometimes I tire of holding in my emotions and feelings.
Sometimes I tire of keeping my “chin up” or a “stiff upper lip”.
Sometimes I tire of being the nurturing one.
Sometimes I need to be allowed to be tired.
Sometimes I need to be allowed to feel weak.
Sometimes I need to be allowed to feel defeated.
Sometimes I need to be able to not feel like I have to hide my tears.
Sometimes I need to be held by strong arms.
Sometimes I need to find safety in strong arms.
Sometimes I need.
Sometimes I feel like I have nothing left to give...
until someone gives me something back.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
it's better in the dark
"I'm dying to take you to O'Noir. I've been thinking about it since you first mentioned it to me."
He was walking me back to my car. When I heard his words, I turned suddenly to look at him. When I saw the grin on his face I smiled and shook my head a little. He's incorrigible.
O'Noir is a restaurant in Montreal that offers dining in complete darkness. There are similar restaurants in Europe, Los Angeles, Australia, and a few other places that don't spring to mind at the moment. When I heard about the concept, I wanted desperately to try it with someone who would appreciate the experience and benefit from it as much as I would. My dining partner will have to be focused on sensuality and have a sense of adventure.
Imagine being led through a dark room - no source of light available. Even glowing watches and cell phones must be left in a locker by the entrance before entering the dining area. Imagine feeling your partner's hand on the small of your back as you're guided by your waiter to your table. Imagine hearing voices of fellow diners, but not being able to see any of them. Imagine being blind for a few hours and having all your other senses heightened.
When you unexpectedly feel your partner's hand on your knee, you'll probably feel startled but then feel comfort and warmth from that familiar touch. When he is suddenly whispering in your ear, you won't move for fear that you'll move in the wrong direction and cease to feel his warm breath on your neck.
There are so many others around you, but none can see you. They can hear you, but can they hear the change in your breathing? Will they hear your tiny whimper when he instructs you to find his cock and stroke it through his trousers? Will they know that he has decided to feed you with his fingers? Will they hear you licking and sucking hungrily, anticipating what will come later in the evening? Will you feel intimidated by the sounds around you and try to keep quiet or will the anonymity of the darkness turn you into an auditory exhibitionist?
Yes, I must experience O'Noir.
He was walking me back to my car. When I heard his words, I turned suddenly to look at him. When I saw the grin on his face I smiled and shook my head a little. He's incorrigible.
O'Noir is a restaurant in Montreal that offers dining in complete darkness. There are similar restaurants in Europe, Los Angeles, Australia, and a few other places that don't spring to mind at the moment. When I heard about the concept, I wanted desperately to try it with someone who would appreciate the experience and benefit from it as much as I would. My dining partner will have to be focused on sensuality and have a sense of adventure.
Imagine being led through a dark room - no source of light available. Even glowing watches and cell phones must be left in a locker by the entrance before entering the dining area. Imagine feeling your partner's hand on the small of your back as you're guided by your waiter to your table. Imagine hearing voices of fellow diners, but not being able to see any of them. Imagine being blind for a few hours and having all your other senses heightened.
When you unexpectedly feel your partner's hand on your knee, you'll probably feel startled but then feel comfort and warmth from that familiar touch. When he is suddenly whispering in your ear, you won't move for fear that you'll move in the wrong direction and cease to feel his warm breath on your neck.
There are so many others around you, but none can see you. They can hear you, but can they hear the change in your breathing? Will they hear your tiny whimper when he instructs you to find his cock and stroke it through his trousers? Will they know that he has decided to feed you with his fingers? Will they hear you licking and sucking hungrily, anticipating what will come later in the evening? Will you feel intimidated by the sounds around you and try to keep quiet or will the anonymity of the darkness turn you into an auditory exhibitionist?
Yes, I must experience O'Noir.
Monday, February 11, 2008
my aura
| Your Aura is Blue |
 Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life. You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships. The purpose of your life: showing love to other people Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor |
Friday, February 1, 2008
un-newsworthy
It was in the news yesterday. There was a warrant out for the arrest of Guy Lafleur (retired NHL superstar). It turns out he lied when he testified during a bail hearing for his son last fall.
His 23-year old son faces more than 20 criminal charges, including sexually assaulting a minor, armed assault, uttering threats and forcible confinement between 2004 and 2007.
I'm not a parent and I'm not in the situation, so I'm not 100% certain of what I would do. However, I strongly believe that I would NOT lie to protect my child if he had sexually assaulted a minor or assaulted someone with a weapon. I wouldn't be too pleased with him if he had forcibly confined someone either.
As exhibited by Mr. Lafleur's actions, not everyone sees this the way I do. There was discussion about it on some radio stations and also among colleagues today. Some people say that a parent will protect their child, no matter what the circumstances. I wonder how many would do as Mr. Lafleur did.
I'm also disappointed that this was on the news for a couple of days. If it were any Joe Blo, no one would hear about some guy who had a warrant for his arrest because he lied to protect his son. I doubt there would even be a warrant. They would just go get him. It's not like the police don't know where he lives and he certainly wasn't a flight risk.
His 23-year old son faces more than 20 criminal charges, including sexually assaulting a minor, armed assault, uttering threats and forcible confinement between 2004 and 2007.
I'm not a parent and I'm not in the situation, so I'm not 100% certain of what I would do. However, I strongly believe that I would NOT lie to protect my child if he had sexually assaulted a minor or assaulted someone with a weapon. I wouldn't be too pleased with him if he had forcibly confined someone either.
As exhibited by Mr. Lafleur's actions, not everyone sees this the way I do. There was discussion about it on some radio stations and also among colleagues today. Some people say that a parent will protect their child, no matter what the circumstances. I wonder how many would do as Mr. Lafleur did.
I'm also disappointed that this was on the news for a couple of days. If it were any Joe Blo, no one would hear about some guy who had a warrant for his arrest because he lied to protect his son. I doubt there would even be a warrant. They would just go get him. It's not like the police don't know where he lives and he certainly wasn't a flight risk.
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