I’m ashamed of myself. I’m ashamed of my thoughts and my feelings. I’m ashamed of not being focused on the big picture and being so petty.
I remember many instances with many pregnant women over the years where I would listen to these pregnant women complain about their weight gain during pregnancy and the changes in their bodies. I remember thinking less of them because they should be grateful that they were expecting a child. I remember thinking that their primary concern should be nourishing that child within and that they could go back to focusing on having the perfect figure after they gave birth. I remember thinking (especially during the last four years while I struggled with conception and with miscarriages) that these women were ungrateful and had no knowledge of hardships with baby-making. I feel like I have become one of those women.
I went shopping for a special occasion dress this weekend. I’m about 13 weeks along in the pregnancy – far enough along to look like I’m gaining weight in my midsection, but not enough to really look pregnant. The special occasion will take place in about a month. I didn’t shop in maternity stores because I don’t really have a pregnant belly yet. So I was shopping in a store with regular clothes and picked out three dresses that I thought might be flattering. I chose them all in one size larger than I normally wear – to accommodate the growing belly. They all fit me too big everywhere else and snug across my midsection. I feel like my body is no longer my own.
I feel horrible for complaining, but I still feel the slightest bit frustrated with my body – because I don’t recognize it and I no longer know how to dress it. So go ahead – tell me I’m horrible. I can take it – really.
By the way, the twins are doing wonderfully. I had my third ultrasound yesterday and they are measuring right on target (about 2.5” from the top of their heads to the bottom of their bums). Their heartbeats are still nice and strong, they were moving around a lot, and all measurements and organs (at least the organs that should be there) seem perfectly normal. I also learned that there is a 93% chance that the twins are NOT identical – this is a good thing because identical twins have a greater risk of complications in uterus. The technician told us things are ideal right now and the twins are looking great! Yay!
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9 comments:
I am so happy to hear all is well, have been thinking alot about you.
Hang in there mommy, lol, it will get better.
((big hugs)) to you...and rubs your belly for good luck!!
What a relief to see that everything is going so well.
Don't feel bad about the way you feel Anna. The stage you're at now is probably the hardest body image wise because you don't really look pregnant but you don't look like you usually do either. You're kind of trapped in no man's land.
In a few more weeks you will be blooming and maternity clothes are designed with a woman's changing shape in mind. At the stage you're at I was huge with my twins or at least I felt as though I was.
I'm so glad all is well. So glad...
I don't think you have anything to apologize for.
In fact, you've been upfront enough to confess the way you USED to feel...and how you feel now about that.
I think this is perfectly normal and fine and upstanding.
It's hardly an accurate parallel, but I remember thinking how foolish some friends and acquaintances were when their marriage broke up.
"They just didn't work at it hard enough," I'd say to myself. Or, "How could they let it get to that point?"
Ha! Then my marriage went south. Live and learn, Anna. Live and learn. Glad to hear the babies are doing great.
miranda - I know I've been kind of m.i.a. lately. All I've wanted to do was nap. Luckily, the nausea and fatigue seem to be much better!
Gypsy - I knew you'd understand exactly what I'm feeling! No man's land is pretty accurate. Just last night I looked down as I was undressing for bed and saw the top part of my belly sticking out! For the first several weeks I was afraid I was just gaining weight, but it's only in my midsection and it feels hard - not flabby and soft. So I know it's the babies taking over. It just feels so odd.
WW - I think that's a pretty good parallel. Thank you for forgiving me my transgressions. ;)
You're doing good. The babies are doing well. That is the important stuff.
Fantastic news.
This sounds like a normal reaction and your body has tenants so I'm sure that you'll adjust in the coming weeks when you no longer have any choice..
you'll 'figure' it out.
Keep in mind that 'glowing pregger ladies' are uber sexy...atleast I think that they are.
Glad to hear that everything is on schedule..and it won't last forever, but you'll never forget it.
Buffalo - Yes, yes, I know that's the important stuff. I know I'm being totally petty. That's why I feel guilty about it.
Donn - That last paragraph you posted made me smile. It won't last forever, but I'll never forget it... so true. :)
Hi Anna
I'm going private if you want to send me your email address to dancingwithdestiny@gmail.com. I'd love to have you aboard. Hope you, J and the babies are doing well.
Gypsy - Thank you for thinking of me and of course I want to be on board!
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