a very bad mommy-to-be

I’m ashamed of myself. I’m ashamed of my thoughts and my feelings. I’m ashamed of not being focused on the big picture and being so petty.

I remember many instances with many pregnant women over the years where I would listen to these pregnant women complain about their weight gain during pregnancy and the changes in their bodies. I remember thinking less of them because they should be grateful that they were expecting a child. I remember thinking that their primary concern should be nourishing that child within and that they could go back to focusing on having the perfect figure after they gave birth. I remember thinking (especially during the last four years while I struggled with conception and with miscarriages) that these women were ungrateful and had no knowledge of hardships with baby-making. I feel like I have become one of those women.

I went shopping for a special occasion dress this weekend. I’m about 13 weeks along in the pregnancy – far enough along to look like I’m gaining weight in my midsection, but not enough to really look pregnant. The special occasion will take place in about a month. I didn’t shop in maternity stores because I don’t really have a pregnant belly yet. So I was shopping in a store with regular clothes and picked out three dresses that I thought might be flattering. I chose them all in one size larger than I normally wear – to accommodate the growing belly. They all fit me too big everywhere else and snug across my midsection. I feel like my body is no longer my own.

I feel horrible for complaining, but I still feel the slightest bit frustrated with my body – because I don’t recognize it and I no longer know how to dress it. So go ahead – tell me I’m horrible. I can take it – really.

By the way, the twins are doing wonderfully. I had my third ultrasound yesterday and they are measuring right on target (about 2.5” from the top of their heads to the bottom of their bums). Their heartbeats are still nice and strong, they were moving around a lot, and all measurements and organs (at least the organs that should be there) seem perfectly normal. I also learned that there is a 93% chance that the twins are NOT identical – this is a good thing because identical twins have a greater risk of complications in uterus. The technician told us things are ideal right now and the twins are looking great! Yay!