Wednesday, September 17, 2008

a new chapter

For those interested in keeping up on (primarily) pregnancy and baby news, please go here:

http://duepiselli.blogspot.com/

If you view my profile and scroll to the bottom, you'll see this new blog listed there as Two Peas in a Pod.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

i gave my hairdresser carte blanche

I've been going to this hair dresser for a few years and I love her. I've asked her in the past to go short and she always refused and convinced me to keep it long. When I went to see her last Thursday I decided to just let her do whatever she wants because it's what she ends up doing anyway. I had no idea she would cut it this short! I'm not crazy about it, but am hoping it'll grow on me (ha! No pun intended).

Before:
















And the new 'do:

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

a very bad mommy-to-be

I’m ashamed of myself. I’m ashamed of my thoughts and my feelings. I’m ashamed of not being focused on the big picture and being so petty.

I remember many instances with many pregnant women over the years where I would listen to these pregnant women complain about their weight gain during pregnancy and the changes in their bodies. I remember thinking less of them because they should be grateful that they were expecting a child. I remember thinking that their primary concern should be nourishing that child within and that they could go back to focusing on having the perfect figure after they gave birth. I remember thinking (especially during the last four years while I struggled with conception and with miscarriages) that these women were ungrateful and had no knowledge of hardships with baby-making. I feel like I have become one of those women.

I went shopping for a special occasion dress this weekend. I’m about 13 weeks along in the pregnancy – far enough along to look like I’m gaining weight in my midsection, but not enough to really look pregnant. The special occasion will take place in about a month. I didn’t shop in maternity stores because I don’t really have a pregnant belly yet. So I was shopping in a store with regular clothes and picked out three dresses that I thought might be flattering. I chose them all in one size larger than I normally wear – to accommodate the growing belly. They all fit me too big everywhere else and snug across my midsection. I feel like my body is no longer my own.

I feel horrible for complaining, but I still feel the slightest bit frustrated with my body – because I don’t recognize it and I no longer know how to dress it. So go ahead – tell me I’m horrible. I can take it – really.

By the way, the twins are doing wonderfully. I had my third ultrasound yesterday and they are measuring right on target (about 2.5” from the top of their heads to the bottom of their bums). Their heartbeats are still nice and strong, they were moving around a lot, and all measurements and organs (at least the organs that should be there) seem perfectly normal. I also learned that there is a 93% chance that the twins are NOT identical – this is a good thing because identical twins have a greater risk of complications in uterus. The technician told us things are ideal right now and the twins are looking great! Yay!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

third time's a charm

We were sitting in the examination room, where everything looked too familiar, waiting for the doctor to arrive and get this over with. We were both holding our breath and letting out nervous sighs as we tried to calm ourselves. We had been in this exact same situation twice before and the results had been heartbreaking.


So I sat, naked from the waist down with only a large paper towel to cover me, on the examination table with the stirrups beside my knees and my feet dangling. I kept looking at the monitor beside me and the one directly opposite me in the top corner of the room - the one I would watch while I lay back. Finally, the doctor arrived. She wasn't our doctor because our doctor was busy in the operating room. I wondered if she was performing an IUI or the In-Vitro procedure and giving some other couple hope. I had never met the doctor who walked in. She was very pleasant and very calming. I liked that. I liked her.


I knew the drill. I layed back on the table, put my feet in the stirrups, and spread my knees apart. She placed the lubricant on a condom, slid the condom over the "wand" and pushed it inside me. She asked if I was experiencing any pain and I told her it was fine. My eyes were glued to the monitor in the corner.


Within seconds she said, "Oh, there are two!" J and I both cried. Two meant twins. J immediately asked if they were ok. She told us she was checking that at the moment. We both held our breath. She measured the first one and said, "This is perfect - measuring eight weeeks! It's exactly what we want to see." Then she found the heartbeat and made us hear it. We cried more when we heard that fast and strong heartbeat. She asked, "Can you see the heart beating?" We both eagerly asked "Where?!" All we saw was a white blob inside of a black blob inside of a big cloud of white. She pointed it out and it was so clear - almost like a little white flashing light. That was my baby's heart beating. My eight week old baby was doing wonderfully and thriving. We cried even more.


After I felt that relief, I immediately began to worry about the second one. The doctor said she was looking for the second one, which is often hidden behind the first one. I was concerned that the second one might be much smaller or that we wouldn't be able to hear that heartbeat. My concerns were quickly put to rest as the doctor smiled and said, "This is beautiful! This one measures eight weeks as well. They're the same size and growing symmetrically. That is very very good!" And then we heard the other one's heartbeat - just as fast and just as strong. We cried some more.


And just like that, we went from being nervous wrecks about the possibility of our third miscarriage within a year to the wonderful realization that we will be having TWINS! We couldn't be more thrilled!


I'm still worried, of course. We still have about 32 weeks to go and, although the babies are doing wonderfully right now, we have no guarantee that all will continue to go well. But right now I am on top of the world because I heard those precious heartbeats!


Thursday, March 20, 2008

lost opportunity

When I finally got to see my father in the hospital hours before he would die, I looked at his pale skin and weak body and silently prayed that he would live long enough to meet my children. I wanted desperately to be pregnant right then and there just so I could tell him so as soon as he would regain consciousness. I remember going home that afternoon feeling worried, but hopeful. The doctor had given me hope. It was too soon for me to know whether or not I was pregnant, but I felt fairly confident that my father would pull through and I would be able to share the good news with him as soon as I had some good news to share.

When J and I were driving to the hospital that night after getting the call that he wasn’t doing well, I cried. I cried because I knew what that meant. I knew what it meant when they called one family member and asked them to advise the rest of the family. I cried because my father would never meet my children. Unknown to me at that time I was already pregnant. I wonder if he would have held on longer if he knew that I was pregnant again. I wonder if knowing that he had to get better so he could meet his only daughter’s children would have helped him find the strength to fight and live. A part of me feels like I failed him for not giving him that strength. The nurses had told us earlier that day that, although he was unconscious, patients can sometimes hear the sounds around them and that we should try to remain positive when speaking in his room. I wish I had whispered in his ear then… but I didn’t know yet that I was pregnant, so how could I have done that?

If this baby makes it, then I must find a way to have my father be a part of his or her life. I will share photographs and memories of my father and I hope that my nieces and nephews, who range in ages 8 to 15, will all share their own memories of their Nonno with my child as well. I hate that I deprived my father of the opportunity to know his grandchildren – the children of his youngest child – and I hate that my children have been deprived the opportunity to have a relationship with their Nonno. There are so many photos of my nieces and nephews with their grandfather, my children will have none. I hope that I can paint pictures for them – pictures of a man they’ll never meet, but will hopefully know through those who loved him.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

a fond memory


It surprises me that I remember the context of this photo and others very similar to it. It surprises me because I was only about two years old at the time and I don't have many recollections from such an early age - quite possibly none other than this one.

My parents would take my youngest brother (two years my senior) and me with them when they would go grocery shopping. The grocery store was part of a mall and my father would often get my brother and me out of my mother's hair by taking us through the mall so that my mom could focus on getting the shopping done as quickly as possible. He would hold each of us by the hand and we would walk together. Occasionally he would take us into those photo booths and snap some photos. I don't even know how much those things cost back then, but I'm flattered now that my father would be willing to spend his very hard earned money on these silly photos.

Friday, March 7, 2008

wishing for phlegm

During the funeral, I shook hands and had my cheeks kissed by hundreds of people offering their condolences and sympathy. Some of those people were sick with a cold or flu. My mother had a nasty flu, as did one of my sisters-in-law. J started to show symptoms of the same darn bug several days after the funeral. By last Tuesday (three days ago) I started coughing. Things got very bad very quickly and I had a fever of 38.6 Wednesday afternoon and was having painful dry coughing fits that left me gasping for breath. My throat, chest, and ribs are sore from all the dry coughing. I wish things would just loosen up and get phlegmy. So I've been home the last three days, trying to rest and trying to take care of myself. This flu is just kicking my butt. I just hope the baby is still safe.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Friday, February 29, 2008

My heartfelt thanks to each of you who left a comment on my last post for your support and compassion.

I'm feeling broken and a little empty. I'm doing my best to get back into a normal routine, but I don't feel like my normal self. I lack focus and I feel like my mind isn't my own. I know all of this will get better eventually and I just have to go through the grieving process - whatever that entails.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

About an hour after my last post, at 10:29pm last night, my father passed away.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

forgive me for sounding scattered

my mother said he had been complaining of pain last night

they both have a cold or flu

so when he complained of body aches, they both figured it was just the flu

he complained of difficulty breathing through the night...

but, again, they thought he was just congested from the flu

he got progressively worse in the early morning and he finally agreed that she call an ambulance
she did...

when she went back to him, his mouth was open, some coloured saliva (she's not sure if his saliva was tainted with some blood or if it was from some cough syrup he had taken) was oozing out the corner of his mouth, his eyes had rolled back, and he stopped breathing

paramedics came, took over, took him to the hospital

this hospital, The Cardiology Institute of Montreal, is fantastic. the doctors and nurses are wonderful, caring, competent, and compassionate

really, i can't say a single bad thing about them and it makes me feel better to know that he's in good hands...

Through all of this, I was asleep.


I woke shortly after 6:00am, went back to sleep, and woke again at about 7:30am. I was lazy about getting out of bed because I had nothing pressing planned. J and I were going to go out for breakfast and then a hike on Mount-Royal with our dog…

my sister-in-law called this morning between 8:30 and 9:00...

she said my mother was at the Cardiology Institute with my father...

that he had stopped breathing earlier this morning and that the paramedics took him to the hospital after they resuscitated him and that he wasn't breathing on his own...

the room began to spin. I cried and then hurried to get ready.

i went to the hospital...

my mother and another sister-in-law were sitting in a waiting room...

they said the doctor had come to talk to them...

his main artery was blocked up...

his lungs were in bad condition...

and they asked if he had any kidney problems (none, to our knowledge)...

he had a heart attack and was STILL in the middle of the heart attack...

and his chances for survival were 50/50

they took him to the operating room for more testing and to see if they could unblock his artery with that balloon thingy

i'm sorry, i don't remember any of the terminology

my mind feels like mush

if that wasn't possible, then surgery was a possibility... although we weren't yet sure if he was a good candidate for surgery

he had remained unconscious since he stopped breathing at home earlier

anyway, the doctor came to see us minutes after we saw him being taken back to his room (still hooked up to so many tubes and machines)...

he said there is one (minor) artery that is VERY blocked and it has been blocked for many years... they can't do anything about that...

the main artery was also blocked up and they were successful in opening it up with the balloon thingy

and that was wonderful news

the lungs have lots of fluid in them, but they are giving him medication to clear that out...

and that will enable them to see if his kidneys are functioning ok

the big question now is whether or not he sustained any brain damage

we won't know that until they allow him to wake

they are keeping him asleep so he can rest and have his heart recover a little for 24 to 48 hours

he is in intensive care unit

after they finished setting him up in his room with all the machinery and stuff, we were allowed to see him

i can't tell you how heartbreaking it is to see him like that

his breathing is being assisted, but it seems like it is laboured breathing

blood pressure was low, but they said that was normal after the procedure

his heart rate was below 30

i placed my hand on his arm...

he was so cold... he was so cold

he's only 74 years old, but he looks about 90

the doctor said he isn't out of the woods yet, but they're happy with the way the procedure went

now he needs some time to rest and recover and then they'll be able to see what needs to be done next

doctor said he'll be in ICU for at least 2 or 3 days

i'm very worried

Thursday, February 21, 2008

sometimes

Sometimes I tire of being the strong one.
Sometimes I tire of being the one to take care of everything.
Sometimes I tire of being the one to hold everything together.
Sometimes I tire of holding in my emotions and feelings.
Sometimes I tire of keeping my “chin up” or a “stiff upper lip”.
Sometimes I tire of being the nurturing one.

Sometimes I need to be allowed to be tired.
Sometimes I need to be allowed to feel weak.
Sometimes I need to be allowed to feel defeated.
Sometimes I need to be able to not feel like I have to hide my tears.
Sometimes I need to be held by strong arms.
Sometimes I need to find safety in strong arms.

Sometimes I need.

Sometimes I feel like I have nothing left to give...
until someone gives me something back.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

it's better in the dark

"I'm dying to take you to O'Noir. I've been thinking about it since you first mentioned it to me."

He was walking me back to my car. When I heard his words, I turned suddenly to look at him. When I saw the grin on his face I smiled and shook my head a little. He's incorrigible.

O'Noir is a restaurant in Montreal that offers dining in complete darkness. There are similar restaurants in Europe, Los Angeles, Australia, and a few other places that don't spring to mind at the moment. When I heard about the concept, I wanted desperately to try it with someone who would appreciate the experience and benefit from it as much as I would. My dining partner will have to be focused on sensuality and have a sense of adventure.

Imagine being led through a dark room - no source of light available. Even glowing watches and cell phones must be left in a locker by the entrance before entering the dining area. Imagine feeling your partner's hand on the small of your back as you're guided by your waiter to your table. Imagine hearing voices of fellow diners, but not being able to see any of them. Imagine being blind for a few hours and having all your other senses heightened.

When you unexpectedly feel your partner's hand on your knee, you'll probably feel startled but then feel comfort and warmth from that familiar touch. When he is suddenly whispering in your ear, you won't move for fear that you'll move in the wrong direction and cease to feel his warm breath on your neck.

There are so many others around you, but none can see you. They can hear you, but can they hear the change in your breathing? Will they hear your tiny whimper when he instructs you to find his cock and stroke it through his trousers? Will they know that he has decided to feed you with his fingers? Will they hear you licking and sucking hungrily, anticipating what will come later in the evening? Will you feel intimidated by the sounds around you and try to keep quiet or will the anonymity of the darkness turn you into an auditory exhibitionist?

Yes, I must experience O'Noir.

Monday, February 11, 2008

my aura

Your Aura is Blue

Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life.
You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships.

The purpose of your life: showing love to other people

Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah

Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor

Friday, February 1, 2008

un-newsworthy

It was in the news yesterday. There was a warrant out for the arrest of Guy Lafleur (retired NHL superstar). It turns out he lied when he testified during a bail hearing for his son last fall.

His 23-year old son faces more than 20 criminal charges, including sexually assaulting a minor, armed assault, uttering threats and forcible confinement between 2004 and 2007.

I'm not a parent and I'm not in the situation, so I'm not 100% certain of what I would do. However, I strongly believe that I would NOT lie to protect my child if he had sexually assaulted a minor or assaulted someone with a weapon. I wouldn't be too pleased with him if he had forcibly confined someone either.

As exhibited by Mr. Lafleur's actions, not everyone sees this the way I do. There was discussion about it on some radio stations and also among colleagues today. Some people say that a parent will protect their child, no matter what the circumstances. I wonder how many would do as Mr. Lafleur did.

I'm also disappointed that this was on the news for a couple of days. If it were any Joe Blo, no one would hear about some guy who had a warrant for his arrest because he lied to protect his son. I doubt there would even be a warrant. They would just go get him. It's not like the police don't know where he lives and he certainly wasn't a flight risk.

Friday, January 11, 2008

more Caribbean memories

I woke to a dreary day. It snowed early this morning and the ground was covered with a thin layer of slush and heavy snow. The sky, preparing itself for a full day of rain, sleet and ice, was grey. Everything looked grey and dismal.

I left the house and headed for work, still feeling a little sleepy and grumpy. (I’m always grumpy in the morning when I haven’t had enough sleep.) I turned on the radio to a local station. It’s one of those lite-rock stations. Q92 is its call name. (Is that what that’s called… a call name?) Their morning crew (a hilarious trio) were playing a song titled Dollar Wine. It’s a song I’ve only heard once before and that was when I was on a cruise ship sailing through Central America.

Hubby J, my cousin G, and I were on this cruise together about three years ago. During one of the evenings, the ship’s entertainment crew were entertaining us with music and dancing on the main deck. It was a windy night and we were tired, so we sat close to the action, bundled up against the harsh wind. The crew asked passengers to join them on deck to learn some dance moves. Several good sports got up there, an almost equal mix of men and women.

The moves were a little à la Macarena, but not quite the same. Part of the lyrics repeat these words in succession: Cent… Five Cent… Ten Cent… Dollar. Each time the word “dollar” is heard, the dancers are to thrust their hips forward and back once. The song continues and they stop and restart it as the rhythm-challenged passengers get used to the little dance routine. That series of words is repeated several times and, later in the song, the same words are repeated at about double the tempo: Cent. Five cent. Ten cent. Dollar. So the pelvic thrust comes a little quicker. And then, the word “dollar” is repeated several times at an even quicker pace: Dollar. Dollar. Dollar. Dollar. Dollar. Dollar. Dollar. Dollar. resulting in some very rapid hip thrusts that make everyone look like (if they’re doing it right, of course) they’re humping the air.


Of course, this was all meant to be amusing, and it was. One man, however, caught everyone’s attention. His hip thrusts were quite remarkable. He was energetic and rapid and was really putting his all into these thrusts. Everyone was cheering him on and it looked like he was enjoying the attention because he decided to personalize this little dance move. He began making a motion with his hand that made it look like he was engaging in coitus doggie style and spanking his partner’s buttocks. My eyes went wide, not in shock or disgust, but in appreciation. Suddenly, this very plain looking man became incredibly attractive to my submissive eyes. I know I blushed because I felt the sudden warm flush in my face as my thoughts went to matters of a much more private nature than that very public environment would allow.

After I pushed those thoughts aside, I looked over at my very vanilla cousin’s face and saw that she was in shock too – but her look was not one of approval. So I started laughing. I laughed so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks. And, of course, this set off her laughter as well.

When I heard that same song this morning, my thoughts were immediately transported back to that man and his spanking and thrusting “dollar” moves and I began to laugh hysterically all by myself in my car while driving to work. I knew I had to share this with my cousin. So I emailed her as soon as I turned on my computer at the office and reminisced with her a little. She replied, “I remember that it was funny and scary all at the same time.” Ahh, if only she knew about a fraction of the things her dear cousin has done. I think she’d be speechless.